A poster featuring a young, thin, tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. The caption read, “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”
A middle-aged woman whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the photo posted a public reply.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life resulting in adorable baby whales.
Whalesong echoes throughout the sea, exuding contentment.
They have even recorded CDs, the sales of which aren’t half bad.
They play. Pods of whales have games.
Whales have a blast running with dolphins, roaming the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea, and the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They are incredible creatures with virtually no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected, and admired by almost everyone in the world. People go out on cruises just to try to see them!
Mermaids don’t exist.
If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of psychoanalysts complaining of identity crisis. Fish or human?
Their songs lure ships to crash on the rocks, like siren song, and some have traded their voices to the Sea Hag, to their eternal regret.
They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention, um, well . . . how could they have sex? Just look at them . . . where is the equipment?
Therefore, they don’t have kids either.
Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear.