Y’all wonder what’s wrong with me. . . .

Hubby wanted to test the amateur radio set that he got me for my birthday (ahem). So he went into the sunroom and opened the window to the covered patio and hooked up the 2-meter quarter-wave antenna.

Yes! Why, yes, there IS a metal bucket on the roof of my $25,000 addition to my $360,000* house! See the sprinkler system’s rain sensor? And the back of the Kia hatchback? And the BUCKET. With an ANTENNA on it.

We have a crime watch patrol that drives up and down the alleyways of this pristine country club subdivision. If I ever leave my garage door open and they happen by, they CALL me on the PHONE to tell me to close the dang door–BAD PEOPLE might STEAL some of the worthless junk I carefully store in there! Well, I haven’t been able to entice a stealing truck** to come on down and get all of these piles of priceless junque YET, even when I leave the door open for hours because we’re in the back yard or we’re about to pack or whatever. Still, the crime watch people are very conscientious. They called me just the other day to verify that my door was only open because I was getting Mama’s stuff together to take out to the car (we went on a drive, and she needed her walker, her nebulizer just in case, a bag of approved food such as crackers and diet RC cola, and a backup pair of shoes).

Wait until the next time they drive by!

“Yes, um, Shalanna . . . did you know that there’s a bucket on your roof?”

“Oh, right . . . here, you can talk to the buckethead himself.” Let HIM explain it.

They fine you just for leaving your trash out on the wrong morning, kids! Just wait until they see this lovely addition to my garden statuary. Maybe they’ll think it’s a UFO and it’ll scare them away.

* {Tax assessment for this year. Neighbors have actually sold their casas for anywhere between $250K and $800K. But then they have new flooring and kitchen appliances. At least my stuff is almond and Berber carpet if it isn’t granite and hardwood . . . and not avocado green appliances and orange shag carpet that has to be RAKED, as was here when my parents first bought the house in 1967.}
** {We get lots of burglaries now that our neighborhood has been Discovered. Used to, we were invisibubble. Now that two highways have gone through north of us and west of us, they’ve discovered us and are buying up the houses to renovate. We can’t really afford to live here now, but then my parents really couldn’t, either . . . we do love the old manse, but it’s a LOT of work and upkeep, even when you don’t have to tune an antenna on the roof.}

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Author: shalanna

Shalanna: rhymes with "Madonna" and "I wanna," and is not a soundalike with "Hosanna" or "Sha-Na-Na." Aging hippie with long hair, husband, elderly mother, and yappy Pomeranian. I've been writing since I could hold a crayon. I started with fiction, which Mama said was "lying." “Don’t tell stories,” she would admonish, in Southern vernacular. “That's all in your imagination!” When grownups said this, they were not approving. So, shamed, I stopped telling stories for a few years--rather, I stopped letting anyone read them. I'm married to a fellow computer nerd who doesn't really like hearing about writing, but who reads sf/fantasy and understands the creative drive. I'm actually a nonconformist/hippie still wearing bluejeans and drop earrings and the Alice-in-Wonderland hair with headbands and sandals. Favorite flavor is chocolate/orange, favorite color is either Dreamsicle orange (cantaloupe) or bubble-gum pink, favorite musical is either Bye Bye Birdie, Rocky Horror, or The Producers . . . wait, I also love The Music Man. Is this getting way too specific and irrelevant yet? Obvious why I don't sell a ton of flash fiction, isn't it? To define oneself, I always say, it is good to make a list. How about a booklist? Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird Frank and Ernestine Gilbreth, Cheaper by the Dozen C.S.Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (all the Narnia books) J.R.R.Tolkien,The Hobbit/LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy Gail Godwin, The Odd Woman F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye (before dismissing it, actually read it) George Orwell, 1984 Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle Donna Tartt, The Secret History Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn James Allen, As A Man Thinketh Mark Winegardner, Elvis Presley Boulevard James Thurber, My Life and Hard Times The Wizard of Oz, L. Frank Baum Winnie-the-Pooh/House at Pooh Corner, A. A. Milne Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie The KJV and NIV Bible (each translation has its glories)

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